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A Magical Life, episode eight: 7 things your kids need to hear you say

Welcome to A Magical Life: health, wealth and weight loss. I’m your host Magic Barclay, lead practitioner at Wholistic Natural Health Australia, and number one best selling author. In this podcast, I aim to give you practical tips on how to accelerate and sustain your health, increase your financial, spiritual and emotional wealth, and to look at something that haunts many of us needlessly: weight loss. In some episodes, I’ll have guests available to give you even more tips, but in others, the floor is yours. Drop us a line at A Magical Life Podcast on Facebook and let me know what you would like to know more about. Now sit back and enjoy, because it is time for you to create and truly discover a magical life.

This episode is a recap on the seven things your kids need to hear you say. We all strive to raise kids that are resilient, self motivated, successful and happy. As parents and guardians, it can be concerning when our kids are less than comfortable in their friendships, their education, or their work situations. Every generation wants something a little less frenetic and stressful than they had when it comes to the kids. In a world we live in these days, we often have little time to nurture our children, like we did in years gone by. Mum and dad guilt is a trigger point for stress. And stress is a trigger point for ill health.  Have you ever felt like you’re on a hamster wheel of work, stress, time and money? Have you ever had that guilt, even a little of, “I wish I could spend more time with kids but…” or, “the bills need to get paid so I can’t take a day off to be with my kids.” Kids these days know that life is busy. They understand that adults have to prioritize some things. Our fast paced society has changed what kids need from us, but there are still seven things your kids need to hear you say.

Your kids need to hear you say, as long as you did your best. We all want success and happiness for our kids. It can be heartbreaking when they fail a test at school, miss out on a job, or miss a goal or run in a sporting game. It’s not “Yeah, you did it!” that they need to hear from you. Winning isn’t everything. Some of society’s greatest minds, sports people, contributors, they all had epic failures many times in their lives. What kids really need to hear from you is, “as long as you did your best.” If they did their best, they can make a personal goal of doing better next time. If they did their best, that’s all could do with the resources they had at that moment. It’s not a reflection on their skills forever. It’s a snapshot in time, a fleeting moment. It’s nothing to be stressed out about, and nothing that condemns them forever as a failure.  An example is the most famous failure in the world, arguably the greatest mind we have known. Albert Einstein didn’t speak till he was four years old. He also failed his entrance exam to the Swiss Federal Polytechnic School located in Zurich when he was 16 years old. And even his father, up until the time of his death, considered his son to be a major failure. After eventually graduating from college, Einstein actually worked as an insurance salesman, but quit after some time because he failed at that as well. Einstein did his best at the time, only to go on to great things.

Your kids need to hear you say, “I love you.” these three simple words can automatically turn the darkest of moments into a bonding and calming moment. Telling your child that you love them is more important to them and to you, than what toys you buy them what computer games you let them play, or even what sports can they watch your play. Letting them know you love them verbally, saying the actual words out loud, releases oxytocin in you and them. Oxytocin is a hormone released during hugs. It’s released during childbirth. It’s the hormone during childbirth that signals to the new baby that mum is their caregiver and nurturer. In later life it’s the hormone can override fears, dark thoughts, and pain. Oxytocin is needed as a vital neuropeptide that allows the brain to relax and immediately decreases stress.

The third thing that your children need to hear you say: “Be yourself, the people will change around you.” No two people’s experience in life will ever be the same. You can try all you like to have the same friends, colleagues or classmates forever. But that’s just not feasible in what is now a global community. Very few people now live in small villages surrounded by the same people for a lifetime. Our kids are subject to technology, remote classrooms, remote workplaces, and ever changing communities. With these constant changes comes constant flexing of community values of physical and social adaptations. Your kids need to hear you say to be themselves, that the people around you will change. They need to stay true to themselves. Being yourself means that you do, say and act on what is important to you. The kids next door will have their own experience of life. This could be similar to your kid’s. But it could also be vastly different for a myriad of reasons. The people around us change constantly. We outgrow some, we purposefully distance ourselves from others, and we gravitate to others. Being yourself is the most valuable life lesson you can teach your kids.

The fourth thing your kids need to hear you say: “I’m proud of you.” No matter what happens in your day, no matter the highs, the lows, your kids need to know that they have your support. Letting them know that you’re proud of them is reassuring. The resilience we crave our kids to have stems from knowing that we are proud of them. In the animal kingdom, we see this expressed often. Next time you head to the zoo, watch the gorillas (which actually share 95% of their DNA with us). Even though the youngsters will find themselves being reprimanded by the adults, they will also receive a stroke on arm, a cuddle from mum or Auntie, or even a grunt from dad. This is the adult gorilla telling the youngster that they are proud of them. Then, watch the youngster forage for food with more gusto, climb a log with purpose, or even stand up to other young gorillas in the troop. Your kids need to hear you say that you are proud of them, no matter what.

The fifth thing your kids need to hear you say: “Be clear on what you value.” Many of us coast through life with little purpose. We end up in jobs we don’t like or partnerships that we end up leaving kids mirror these outcomes more often than not a valuable lesson in life, and something that starts with letting them know verbally, is to be clear on what you value. In results based coaching, we have a number of modalities to find what this means to us. We use the values track and check our values alignment. We look at our core beliefs and we delve into the seven core shadow values. This kind of coaching is beneficial to all, but you can start at home with your kids. Find out what it is they value, discuss it as a family, or even in a buddy system within the family. Let the kids know that being clear on what they value will help them in any situation to make decisions that are right for them.

The sixth thing kids need to hear you say: “Love starts with loving yourself.” Have you ever heard the expression you cannot pour from an empty cup? This expression is old as time and extremely accurate. You cannot give or receive love unless you start with yourself. To overcome fear, internal stress and emotional pain, you need love. This love starts with you. Loving yourself creates a bond with the one person in the world who always be there for you: you.  Teaching your kids and actually telling them about this will help support their limbic, or emotional brain. Help secure or nurture the reptilian brain. That’s the part of the brain that seeks pleasure or runs from pain, determining what in life is a threat or a danger, and it will also help the neocortex. This is responsible for higher order brain functions such as sensory perception, cognition, generation of motor commands, spatial reasoning and language. Just know that loving yourself starts with true self worth, and can help all three areas of the brain with their tasks and functions and result in better choices, decisions and actions for life.

The seventh thing kids need to hear you say: “No problem is too embarrassing. I’m here to help.” The seventh important thing your kid needs to hear you say, I will say it again, is that no problem is too embarrassing, and that you are here to help. No matter how much time you spend with your kids, what they need from you is your acceptance, not judgment. Just letting them know that you’re in their corner can help them enormously. Shame and guilt in kids can be carried into adulthood. Even if you don’t like what they are telling you, listen to them, support them and help them through the situation. This will keep you all connected, no matter what your family circumstances.  By now, you’re probably thinking, “What if I don’t have much time with the kids to say these things?” or, “What if I can’t see my kids?” Maybe there are other issues you face. The seven things your kids need to hear you say will only take a few moments of your day. They will make a lifetime’s difference to them. Even tell them in writing if your situation warrants it, just let them know. A wise man once said, ‘it’s not about getting it right. It’s about getting it started.’ Thanks, Benjamin J. Harvey.  Try one or two of these seven tips. See which ones make a difference. Try to go for all seven, if you can build up to them slowly. Your kids will benefit from the experience just as you will. I hope you enjoyed the seven things your kids need to hear you say. We really love answering listener questions. So, that one goes out to a lovely lady, Judy, who actually can’t see her kids at the moment. Her kids are grown and has a few family issues, But with our advice, Judy tells her kids in writing these seven things, and it’s actually helping the relationship. So again, thank you for joining us for episode eight. And in episode nine, we have Cammy talking to us about resilience. So I look forward to seeing you then. Go forth now create your magical life.  Thanks for listening today. Please subscribe to hear future episodes, leave a review and share this podcast. You can follow us on Facebook at A Magical LifePodcast or at Wholistic Natural Health Australia, that’s wholistic with a W. You can find us on Instagram, at Wholistic Natural Health or at www.wholisticnaturalhealth.com.au. That’s where you’ll access all sorts of articles, freebies, and more.

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